The online journey was one that starts out at innocent as any other path that leads our lives astray. My online experience was just that, seemingly harmless at first but in the long run it ended up hurting lots of people along the way.
I started online by simply searching out porn and like I mentioned in a previous post nothing i found was really for me. There were a slew of gross acts i found neither appealing or attractive and my opinion of that kind of lifestyle became what I saw in the gutter of the internet.
My attraction was always to older men and I was so naive at the time i didn’t realize there were even older gay men in existence. My idea of someone who was gay was someone who was prissy and sissy. Someone who wore tight clothes and wanted to be female. That was my impression and i never could relate.
Then i discovered the “bear” subculture. Lots of big muscled burly men in beards. Come to find out they are not prissy at all but equally as opposite from me as it gets. They tend to like body oder and poor hygiene habits. It’s some sort of sexual turn on along with the leather and sex slings they use…not that others don’t but this seemed more prominent amongst bears.
Bears and others into the bear scene also seemed to be attracted to wearing outfits and using torture devices. Things to clamp the nipples, electrocution, mutilation and verbal and physical abuse seemed to be very popular. Again this was about as far away from anything i was looking for and made my mind run rampant.
Where did I belong? Who was I? What were these feelings I was having and would they ever go away?
That’s when I discovered that there were “normal” gay people on the internet. People just like me who had had families in the past and even some in my same very own situation. Ones who had no where else to turn but to online “buddies” to help coach them through the pain.
In all of my online searches I finally found the term for older and younger. It was amazing tot me to find out there were older gay men and they’d want anything to do with a younger male. I know that sounds hilariously crazy now but that’s just how naive I was at the time.
It was nice to finally figure this all out. What was even better to discover was that there were other people JUST LIKE ME!! I wasn’t the only younger and sane guy that just so happened to be attracted to older men. I also soon figured out that there really was nothing wrong with me or most of the other guys I’ve met who have the same attractions.
It simply is what it is and accepting that has been one of the hardest and most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. Through many counseling sessions, book reading and online chatting with others who had similar journeys and experiences have all helped me come to terms with who I really am.
I’ve finally stopped beating myself up over things that are far beyond my control. It’s much easier to just love who you love and be happy. The alternative is a life hidden in the gutters filled with self hatred and suicidal thoughts.
I will always struggle to an extent with this entire process but today I am a happier person overall. I can be me and not have to put up a facade to please others and satisfy their vision and expectations for who and what they want me to be.