The Journey Begins


And so my journey began.  It had been 11 long years with a partner that seemed to have little to no emotions.  Sexually things had tailed off long ago.

She never initiated and really only desired sex after she’d had a few glasses of wine or a puff or two off of a joint.  That’s when she’d get frisky if ever.  Often I would try and spark a rendezvous with her but she had excuse after excuse after excuse.

  1. My Belly Hurts
  2. My Head Hurts
  3. My Vagina is Sore
  4. My Vagina is Sensitive
  5. I think I might need to poop

Yes so it seemed she’d stop at nothing to find ways to not have sex.

I’d lay in bed at night as she’d stay up surfing the internet for the next great deal on purses, shoes and personal hygiene products.  It was nearly every other day we a new package on the front door full of something she’d ordered while I waiting for her to come to the bedroom and lay down.

The internet shopping wasn’t the thing that bothered me the most though.  I was way more perturbed with the fact that she’d stay up into the wee hours of the night reading Fabio romance novels.  On work nights, weekends and everywhere in between.  Three am was the norm for her knowing she had to be up at 7 in order to start getting ready and making her way to work.

She was habitually late and scrambling to make it on time because of her late night antics.  I often wondered what those other things did for her that I didn’t.  I mean, I was willing to try anything to get her attention.

We’d talk about it from time to time…the lack of sexual relations and her lack of desire.  She always sidestepped the issue as a non issue but I found it to be quite the contrary.  A man in his late 20’s and early 30’s has needs and from what I’m told that is about the same time a woman is supposed to peak sexually.  Unfortunately that’s something I never experienced.  i truly think she may be somewhat asexual in that she really didn’t appear to have desire at all.

Or maybe it was me.  Maybe I was unattractive, annoying or something about me that she really just flat out didn’t desire.

I had lots of inquiries from the opposite sex so i don’t think it was that i was too terribly unattractive.  I just think she really never thought about sex and could care less whether she got tor not.

So the more she ignored me and the more she put me aside for other people, places and things the more and more distant we drew.  In addition, the more these feelings that I never wanted to admit to, much less act upon became prevalent.

Sitting at home alone every evening as her and her mother went to the gym, yoga class and then out to eat I became very distracted by the online world.

I began searching out gay websites for pictures and videos.  Most of the stuff I came across wasn’t for me and not appealing at all.  That made me question myself even more and lead to further confusion as to who I really was.

The internet probably officially ruined me so to speak.  Being able to explore these feelings without ever having to actually act out on them was something of a modern beauty to me.  It was SAFE so to speak an safe in so many ways.

There was no way to catch a disease or get your pocket picked by exploring online.  There was no chance of getting your throat slashed or getting arrested in some back alley or dimly lit park.

You didn’t have to run the risk of being caught in a gay bar and being found out and outed to the world.  Risking loss of job, marriage and friendships.

Yes this newfound internet was an excellent resource for us struggling with our sexualities.  What i didn’t realize was just how wrapped up into things I would become and how consuming it was for me.

I spent hours upon hours online.  Searching, looking, reading and even chatting.  At first I was even afraid of being found out on the online world but once that fear was all but gone my online life would spiral out of control and eventually would get the best of me and my curiosity.

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