I never really had that “oh I’m so in love” floating on a cloud feeling with girls through school. Maybe it was me or maybe it was that I just hadn’t found the right one yet I’m not sure but either way I didn’t have my eye on any other prize. I even had full access to limo service as a teenager and I know I could have done pretty much anything i wanted to do in the back of one of those things.
But I knew I was different and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I was strangely attracted to older gentlemen. I don’t mean men in their 30’s or 40’s. I’m talking about guys in their 60’s and sometimes 70’s! Yes I know…very different and I wasn’t very good at dealing with those feelings. I mean it’s one thing to deal your mom and dad you’re gay but it’s even more difficult to explain that you like men even older than them.
But I wasn’t ready to be gay yet. I was young and just trying to process what was going on in my head. There was also a big thing in my head that told myself that this will all go away one day. That I will outgrow it and it will be in the distant pass as one of life’s passing phases.
Then there was the whole religious thing going on in my brain. God Hates Fags and all that good stuff. How was I ever to be gay if God indeed hated me? Being cast into the fiercest of hell would never be worth living the life of a gay person. A lifetime is long but not nearly as lengthy as eternity!!
So I decided to put these feelings on the back burner as much as humanly possible. I would just keep myself occupied with girls and sports until all of this hogwash in my head went away. Turns out I would begin down the path of some vey destructive behaviors which would have longterm effects on my overall health and state of well being.
That’s why I feel so compelled to talk to those who are less accepting of others. Parents and religious leaders who play the Bible card on young and impressionable youth can sometimes, if not always, end up doing much more harm than good. In future posts I will delve a little more into my journey in hopes that it will help someone. If if it’s just someONE. If I can help one person through this process it will certainly be worth it to me.